Secrets or Surprises?
- Germaine Chow
- Dec 8, 2023
- 4 min read
Growing up, I thought that the ability to keep secrets determined our trustworthiness amongst our friends. From hushed voices to playful whispers, secret-keeping was deemed fun and whilst it may at times be exclusionary in nature, it was mostly harmless. As such, when I was raising my daughter, I never really paid extra attention when using the word 'secret'. In fact, within our family, we often joked that Grandma, who can never contain her pure excitement of a planned surprise and will unknowingly spill the beans to the recipient, was always known to "be bad at keeping secrets". It is only after I spent time researching safeguarding materials that I realised the importance of word choice in safeguarding our young - Word choice and its connotations can impact our children's perceptions of safe and unsafe behaviours and thus, the reframing of 'secrets' will be explored in my post today.
Teaching Pre-Schoolers the Difference
No matter the age of the child and starting from when they are a toddler, they should be explicitly taught the difference between a 'secret' and a 'surprise'. Buying a birthday cake or planning a surprise party for a family member is a very organic conversation starter to model the words to a young child. The emphasis of our conversations must reinforce the opposing nature of the time aspects and emotions involved between the two terms.
"Surprises make people happy, they are short-term and knowing about them doesn't make you uncomfortable. Secrets are meant to exclude others, often because the information would cause others to be angry or upset, and secrets have no set end-date."
- KidSmartz.org (2018)
Children must be taught that if someone tells them to keep a secret and 'Never tell anyone', this is a clear signal and warning sign that they must tell a trusted adult what they know.
Conversations in the Primary Years
What about Privacy?
Conversations with your child about privacy at the pre-school age will involve respecting the personal body boundaries of others as well as respecting their privacy by changing and using the bathroom without others seeing their private parts.
As children move into their primary school years, their friends may start to confide in them and share private information such as a family member who is ill and hospitalised, parents going through a divorce or other personal circumstances. The key difference between privacy and secrets is that unlike a secret, honouring the confidentiality of the private information does not hurt or compromise the safety of that person or others. It is important to reassure your child that they can always speak to a trusted adult who can help them identify if what has been shared is a secret or a private matter. As a trusted adult, you may wish to use the following prompts to support the conversation.
By explicitly highlighting these differences, we support our children's ability to recognise the nuances to safeguard themselves.
We know that people who set out to harm children will use a range of tactics to trick and entrap a child, these often include... using secrets to control, frighten or test the compliance of a child, increasing the feelings of shame and guilt put on the child to encourage their silence.
- National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (2020)
With older children, instead of saying 'Never tell anyone', predators may employ other ways to encourage and ensure their silence.
"If you tell anyone about this, I wouldn't be able to see you and bring you games and nice treats."
"If you tell anyone about this, your parents will feel so sad and disappointed in you."
Therefore, when we teach our young to use these prompts, it removes any doubts in their minds and be intuitively aware of any negative emotions associated with secrecy and unsafe behaviours, they will recognise the need to disclose and share this with a trusted adult.
Further Empowering Teens
Never Promise Confidentiality when there is a Concern for Safety
Specifically in the teenage years when our teens start to confide in their friends and trust becomes a test of friendship, there is a strong need to empower our teens with appropriate ways of responding to any secrets being shared with them. In this way, they would not find themselves trying to walk the fine line of being a loyal friend and carrying the heavy weight of worries for the safety of their friend or others.
"I'm really glad that you trust me enough to share this with me. But because it concerns the safety of yourself and others, I wouldn't be able to keep this a secret and we must tell a trusted adult who can help you. It is because you are my friend that I want to protect and safeguard you."
The objective here is that through our conversations, it becomes plain simple to our teens that when there are safety concerns, no matter the circumstances, they must tell a trusted adult.
In conclusion, this post covered a consistent approach to specifically frame and familiarise our young with 'secrets', 'surprises' and 'privacy'. Further prompts to highlight the nuances are also greatly beneficial in supporting their understanding of the differences between these terms. More importantly, you would have realised that without any need to instill fear, you are equipping your child with protective strategies and the knowledge of the right course of action to take should they encounter these situations. I would be very keen to hear your experiences around these topics and how you may have found natural conversation starters to approach them with your children, so do get in touch and share! After all, in the spirit of what we are discussing, there should be no secrets around safeguarding our children :)
References
KidSmart.org (2018): 'Surprises VS. Secrets' Resource for Grades K-2 and Grades 3-5
Hope Channel Singapore (2023): 'Secrets vs Surprises vs Privacy: How to help your child understand the difference'
Sex Positive Families (2023) 'Talking to Kids about Secrets, Privacy and Surprises'
National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC, 2020): 'Protecting children from grooming and sexual abuse'
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