Let's Talk About Consent with Toddlers & Pre-Schoolers

In my introductory post, we covered the importance of engaging in conversations about consent from an early age through to our child's teenage years. Whilst these conversations will differ and evolve across the age groups, the overarching message is that consent is about respectful interactions, especially respect for body boundaries. Conversations about consent also reinforces what our young can expect from adults and others in order to be safe and foster healthy relationships.

In this post, we will explore ways to approach 'Consent' with our toddlers and pre-school aged children by highlighting specific situtations that families with 2 to 6-year olds may encounter and how consent can be interweaved in our everyday interactions.

Consent is about communicating a consistent message of respect, particularly about body boundaries, so that children know what is to be expected of adults and other children. A silver lining of Covid is that our children are well acquainted with the idea of a 'body bubble' for social distancing. In the context of consent, children should know that because their bodies belong to them, they hold the choice of letting others into their 'body bubble' and personal space. There are ways through which we can reinforce this:

• Take time to explain that there are good reasons for 'safe touch' - Share examples of 'safe touch' with your child such as when your teacher offers a hug and comforts you when you are feeling sad during drop offs or explaining to them that "When we visit the doctor, they may need to touch your body to check that you are well. That's okay because I'll be there by your side too."

• Communicate that simliar to the rights of adults, it is a child's choice to hug, kiss or be touched - A very common challenge voiced by parents is that of enthusiastic kiss/hug-loving relatives. This is especially relevant to parents with toddlers and young children and the overwhelming attention they draw at family gatherings; with relatives wanting to cuddle the child and the parents having to worry about offending them if the relative's desire for a hug or kiss isn't reciprociated.

When my daughter was growing up, I lacked the tools and language to comfortably explain the importance of respecting body boundaries to our overzealous (albeit kind-intentioned) relatives. With this in mind, I created a short 'public service announcement' in the hopes of reducing any uneasiness for parents when brooching this topic. As such, feel free to download this video and share the message of our collective responsibility and get your loved ones onboard with ways they can model and show respect for children's consent and body boundaries.

• Respect privacy in your home - Once your child is potty-trained and independent with toilet use, encourage them to keep the door closed. The same goes for when they are changing their clothes.

• Teach and use the correct names for private parts help reinforce a healthy way of speaking about their bodies - "It’s good for parents to use the correct names for body parts. These words — penis, vagina, etc. — should be stated matter-of-factly, with no implied silliness. That way, kids learn to use them in a direct manner, without embarrassment." - Hirsch, L. (2020)

This sets the right foundation for the development of healthy feelings around their bodies. More importantly, rather than associating it with any embarrassment or secrecy, children will be accustomed to this positive, healthy approach to speaking about their bodies and will come to expect this in any safe and respectful interaction.

Consent is not simply teaching our child to say 'Yes' or 'No', but about tuning in to the nuances of interactions and making them visible and tangible to our young.

• What does consent look like? Play situations are great starting points for this - How did you approach Tom and showed him that you wanted to build the sandcastle together? How would you know if Sarah didn't want a hug goodbye? With your young child, drawing their attention to the nuances of facial and body language and articulating it will greatly support their understanding of consent. For example, "I stopped tickling your baby brother because he stopped giggling. He pressed his lips and looked uncomfortable as he turned his body away. Did you notice that too or any other ways in which he showed that he did not like it?"

"A lot of early education is centered around giving kids the social-emotional skills to thrive, and these naturally dovetail with the concept of consent and respect. Emotional intelligence, perspective-taking, empathy — these all allow you to basically understand your own feelings and the feelings of others, and are foundational to respect,” - Kahn, G. (in Tatter, G. 2018)

• What does consent feel like? Our bodies are highly intelligent and built with 'fight or flight' mechanisms to alert us with early warning signs in situations that we are unsure of or uncomfortable with. Early conversations about what consent feels like will greatly support our young in tuning into their feelings of safety and the early warning signs. Use and model language such as "I feel safe when I am around people I trust and my body feels relaxed."

• What does consent sound like? As with using the correct names of private parts, the objectve of conversations about consent is essentially about developing a shared vocabulary. When children repeatedly hear and use clear, specific and consistent words to give, deny or reverse their consent, they will be able to confidently assert and safeguard their body boundaries and themselves.

This involves teaching our young children to explicitly say, "Stop!" or "No, this is my body." when they wish to deny or reverse their consent for others to come into their 'body bubble' or when they are in situations whereby they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Whilst it may initially sound curt for your child to speak this way, it is important to recognise the power of this verbal assertion for a 3 to 5-year old. Not only does it explicitly express their stance, it also signals to them the need to seek the support of a trusted adult if their verbal assertion is being ignored.

Teaching consent to children must also empower them with the actionable steps that they can take in situations whereby they felt unsafe or uncomfortable such as when consent was not given or ignored.

As children grow up and participate in more extra-curricular activities or have more online presence, their social circles and networks will expand significantly. Therefore, the safety network for a teen will be different from that of a pre-schooler. For a pre-schooler, it is important to introduce the concept of a 'safety network' in ways that they can easily relate to.

When discussing their safety network with your pre-school aged child, it is important to unpack with them what a trusted adult means - someone who will not only listen to them, but also believe their words and take action to help them feel and be safe. More importantly, your child's persistence in seeking help from these trusted adults is crucial.

"We can cultivate the skill of persistence by meaningfully acknowledging when our child shows persistence in play. When children persist, they are more likely to continue in spite of difficulty. This skill safeguards children as, if they are exposed to harm, they will persist in speaking up until they feel heard and feel safe." Good Early Learning (2023)

In conclusion, the above suggestions for conversation starters with your toddlers and pre-school aged children are by no means exhaustive. You would have seen that they are examples that take a positive, empowering approach, further highlighting that safeguarding our children is about simple everyday conversations that naturally build their protective strategies. I would love to hear from you on any challenges you have encountered and/or your effective ways of modelling and speaking to your young child about consent and body boundaries. Drop me a message below or comment on Instagram!

---

References

• Good Early Learning (2023) - Teaching Children Protective Strategies: Feel Safe, Be Safe

• Talk with your Kids (2021) - The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21

• Larissa Hirsch (2020) Teaching Kids about their Bodies

• Grace Tatter (2018) Harvard Graduate School of Education: Consent at Every Age

• UW Medicine (2023) - Your Body in Fear