Let's Talk about Consent

It is never too young to talk to your child about consent. There is often uneasiness around the topic as adults often think of consent just within the realms of sexual relations. Therefore we delay the need to discuss this with our children until later on in their teenage years. But 'consent' is essentially a big part of respectful relationships and that is where the conversations should begin.

I have found speaking about consent a very good starting point because these conversations also naturally lead to other important safeguarding aspects that you can gradually unpack with your child, such as body boundaries, feelings of safety, early warning signs and our safety network.

The conversations around consent will look very different across the ages. As we dive into the specific age range over the next few posts, there will be age-appropriate suggestions as to how you can talk and model consent with your child.

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To begin, it will be helpful for us adults to reframe and think about our approach to talking to consent with children:

• Consent, like safeguarding awareness, is about communicating a consistent message to children on how they should expect to be treated. Once children develop this growing idea of what is expected of respectful interactions from adults and other children, they can better tune into situations whereby they are not afforded respect and their rights to safety infringed.

• Consent manifests in many forms - What does consent look like, feel like, sound like? We often just assume that children will know about consent as long as we teach them to say 'No'. Yet we neglect to see that to be able to do so effectively, children and young persons need to explore and tune into the subtleties of consent. The more we talk to children about consent in its different forms and model it regularly, the more they will be equip to identify the nuances of consent and safeguard themselves.

• As with our empowering approach to safeguarding, conversations about consent should identify actionable steps for children to take in the event that they do not feel the reciprocity of respect. How should they explicitly communicate this in that instance? Who are the trusted adults in their safety network they can turn to for support?

You will find recurrent in this series of posts, across all ages, the principles of consent remain the same. It just looks different when they are applied to different scenarios that our children may experience as they grow into their teenage years and young adulthood. Thus, early conversations with preschool-aged children that are sustained through to teens will help them make sense of and form deep connections with these conceptual and transcendent principles of consent.

• Consent is ongoing and reversible - It could be as simple as asking your child if they give permission for their photos sent to and shared within family group chats or giving the child an opportunity to consent by asking "Would you like a hug or a high-five or an air hug today?" Examples as such give children a sense of confidence and agency on matters that involve and belong to them.

• Consent is mutual and enthusiastic - Talk about situations in play interactions or teen conversations whereby what often starts of as a mutually enjoyable and shared experience can evolve into a disagreement or awkwardness. Ask your child how they could tell that they or their friend no longer wanted to continue with the experience. How could they tell, either through speech or their body language, that consent was no longer enthusiastic or mutual?

• Consent is informed, clear and specific - Adults may often think that informed consent is tricky to obtain, and it can be especially with young children as they may not be fully able to grasp the entirety of actions and consequences. But informed consent can be modeled when you discuss an invitation to a poolside birthday party. Talk about what your child can expect there - what is the changing room situation and for younger children, who will be there and who would they want to help with changing and showering. Informed consent is about the opportunity for the child to visualise the situation, have their autonomy to state their preferences and simply have their chance to ask questions.

• Consent is freely given - There are no strings attached, no pressure, guilt tripping or perceived threats. Consider and be mindful of and avoid saying to your child "If you don't do this, then I wouldn't..." These convey the subtle power imbalance that we adults often forget that we have over children and by being mindful of how we speak to our children, we avoid normalising this power imbalance in their worlds. This is a mindset and societal shift that will support our children in knowing that when they give their consent and permission, it comes from a place of control.

As we narrow in to the specific age ranges over the next weeks, do contribute to the conversation and share your thoughts and ways you model and approach conversations on consent with your child. The more we share our experiences and specific scenarios, the more we see how accessible and easy it is to incorporate consent conversations with our children in our daily lives.

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References

• Kids Helpline: All about consent - https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/what-consent

• Safe Secure Kids - Teaching Consent - https://www.safesecurekids.org/teaching-consent